Christmas many years ago in South Africa or somewhere
Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are almost at Christmas it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the British settlers who came to South Africa could have had access to a computer. (What can I say? I had some free time since my computer wasn’t working.) Anyway, this is what I came up with:
Female Settler: Husband, I needest thou to Googleth something for me.
Male Settler: (Big smile) Oh, I wouldeth be happy to Googleth thou. I did not thinkest thou wouldest be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since all the other Settlers are comingeth over and all the cooking thouest needs to do.
Female Settler: No, no, thouest is a moron. To Googleth something is not a code word for sex, it means to geteth information about something on our new computer. I wanteth to know how longeth I’m supposed to cooketh this bird.
Male Settler: Oh that, yeah, I cannot. Windows worketh not.
Female Settler: I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the window is not working. What mattereth that anyway? It’s June. We don’t need the windows open.
Male Settler: No dearest, wife. Windows is the system that operateth the computer. If it is not working I cannot Googleth anything or do anything else on the computer.
Female Settler: Oh, well, I guesseth that is goodeth. That means thouest can’t look at scantily dressed women then.
Male Settler: No, no, no, darling. I only haveth eyes for you in thouest’s black dreth with the sekthy bonnet. (This lisping is getting a bit much)
Female Settler: Thouest are full of excrement from the cow. I saw thouest looking at picture of female Settlers’s ankles on the Internet the other day.
Male Settler: Well maybe if I gotteth to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t needeth to look at such pictures.
Female Settler: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH! Sometimes I wisheth those Geeks had never even given us that computer. I think maybe we should just giveth it back to them.
Male Settler: But then people wouldest call us “The ungratefuls”
Female Settler: Thouest really are a moron!
Male Settler: Whateverest.
Female Settler: Ever since they gaveth us that computer all we doeth is fight. You spend too much time on Stutter instead of actually working.
Male Settler: Well, thouest spends too much time on chat lines and if all thouest is going to doest is argue with me, I’m going to watcheth cricket.
Female Settler: Watcheth what?
Male Settler: Cricket, it’s a SA tradition where the team choketh!
Female Settler: (Exasperated) But this is our first Christmas together!
Male Settler: Then I guess I’ll be startingeth the tradition.