I gave birth to a 2mm baby
It was a quick pregnancy. I didn’t even know I was. Now I am the proud father of a 2 millimeter piece of kidney stone. One minute I didn’t have a care in the world and the next thing I know, BAM! It hit me, like a kick from a horse! I have never felt pain like that before, it was like I was incorrectly lifting/helping my chubby next door neighbour to get over the wall at Newlands and while I was busy doing that, someone decided to sneak up and kick me in the groin, and stab a red hot screwdriver repeatedly into my back at 5 minute intervals.
I was barely able to get in the car, before my wife and I were off to Casualty/Emergency section of our local house of sickness. We have driven to Johannesburg from Cape Town several times and those trips seem like quick jaunts compared to the 20-minute excursion to the hospital.
I have to say, in my own defense here, that I have an extremely low pain threshold, which I have admitted to on previous occasions, so when we arrived I looked so bad they warned the local mortuary to be prepared, before quickly getting me through reception. They slapped a fancy and stylish backless number on me and hooked me up with an IV and bag of there best fluid. The only thing I could do to ease the pain was to walk, so I walked, totally oblivious to the fact that my skinny white ass was being exposed to all the inpatients, outpatients, sick patients and patients family and friends. In retrospect I am surprised that there was no swooning by the ladies at this beautiful sight, but one old dear told me to “maak toe djou holle, het djy nie skaam nie”(Close up your bum, have you no shame?)
They gave me an IV bag holder on wheels and let me go. I looked like a homeless tramp shuffling about and asking for drugs. All I was short of was a shopping trolley and a used booze smell. If you knew me, you would know that no matter what the event or occasion I will make light of a serious situation with a little humor, I was in so much pain, I couldn’t do it. The closest I came to funny was when I had a 10 second window of no pain and I thought how much I must resemble a tramp and yelled djou ma se @#$%^, (Your mother’s @#$%^) but no one got it. That quick it was back to pain.
My wife kept trying to help ease the pain but there wasn’t much she could do. My energy got depleted from the pain and now I can totally understand the mean things that come out of the mouths of women in labor. I wanted to say to my wife, “Honey, I appreciate your concern but there really isn’t anything you can do.” Oddly enough it came out “You did this to me!! I’m pretty sure your mother had something to do with it too, and I want some freakin drugs NOW!”
So I finally I got the drugs, or as they call them, “morphine”. Shortly after the relief kicked in I decided that Morfina would be a good name for a girl if we ever had one. I got a scan, that verified that it was indeed kidney stones and they sent me home to drink gallons of water and strain my urine. I had never had to do anything like that before but it reminded me of gold and diamond panning that I had seen in the movies.
I gave birth about halfway through the next day. It was like trying to drive a lawn mower down the inside of a hose pipe. Neighbours came bursting out of their homes to see what bad mouthed tramp was beating up his wife as my screams of anguish alternated between soprano and bass and I pronounced all the local expletives as if they were my mother tongue.
Later that same day I received a call from a friend who had told his Mom about my experience and she said, “Tell the wimp to thank his wife for having their baby.”
For the record I have thanked her, and then it occurred to me that no one had asked me if I wanted an Epidural.
I am in the process of writing to the minister of health to complain about the shabby service where I was abused by old ladies, ignored by nurses after pissing them off with my tears and the lack of epidural assistance. It’s just not on! Nobody said I wanted to have natural birth. Morfina is now 29 years old and lives in my memories box in my drawer.