This whole “humans are a dog’s best friend” is a total load of horse bazookie. They are supposed to love us unconditionally and scratch and tickle us no matter what. That’s more horse bazookie.
Here I am sitting outside in the rain shivering in the early autumn cold, waiting for these supposed friends to let me in. It’s been a whole hour now and my hair has gone all frizzy and they always complain about how I smell when I’m wet, but hey, at least I don’t smell like some kind of flower. All those things are good for is pissing on or to see how quickly I can destroy a hundred baby plants when I want to bury my bones for safe keeping.
That friggin, stinky, fluffy fur ball tried just once to lick or sniff my bones. Took the human a few hours to coax the icehole out of the tree, after I explained the rudiments of what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine.
Sheesh! A whole hour and twenty minutes now, and for what! All I did was poop on the patio. Good grief, one would think I lifted my leg in the lounge. Please, how uncultured do these humans think I am. They wouldn’t go and take a dump on the pavement in the pouring rain and I would never piss on my own bed. They just don’t know that I sleep on all the chairs when they’ve gone to work.
I think I will go and wait for that stupid postman who always wets his pants when I jump over the wall, that my humans think is too high for me. Poor bugger throws his letters all over the place. I would never bite him anyway but it sure is good fun, after all I have a reputation to live up to, with all these beware of the dog signs all over the place
Maybe I should go and visit Fluffy down the road, then if she won’t give me a bit of nookie, I’ll hump the next humans leg I see.
This rain has made me smell more like a male and less like lavender or jasmine, or whatever the hell the shampoo that they wash me with is called. That’s right folks, they, wash, me! Stylish hey! Free wash and blow dry. That warm air blowing on my jewels is bliss.
But seriously now, if they don’t let me in soon, I am going to go and roll in the horse and cow bazookie that’s spread all over the neighbour’s lawn. How stupid can he be, adding all that other crap to what I leave for him every day. There’s just no pleasing these humans.
I’m not allowed to poop on the patio but Furlicious has a box of sand inside the house. If I have ever heard of being two faced this is it. Next time he won’t ever come out of the tree.
Ah! About friggin time….. now come and dry me while I watch the cooking chanel.