Have you given up on getting laid?

When you boil a man down to his core essence, the desire to get laid drives everything.

The sexual urge starts from a very young age and men are genetically programmed to think of nothing else. Without it, there is no motivation to excel, succeed or be relevant. Whether or not he actually gets laid isn’t all that important but it is the all consuming motivational factor that will get a man through life and come out smiling on the other side. Even a married man who has no interest in bedding down other women must possess this desire, otherwise he will surely lapse into the abyss of a nondescript existence, a fate that is absolutely worse than death. Sportsmen, likewise, will use their sport and physique to impress a prospective conquest.

Some of the telltale signs that you’ve simply given up on impressing the opposite sex, and thus, given up on life can help you to make the right decisions. If any of these pertain to you, do something about it. Now!

Shoes that stay on with a couple strips of Velcro are highly recommended—for the elderly, the retarded or the shitfaced. If you’re none of those three and can still think coherently about sex, buy shoes with laces, it sends the message that you are still virile and can do the deed.

If you have missing teeth, get them fixed immediately. If you don’t look after your pearly whites you can forget about being within arm’s length of a naked woman ever again.

If you admit to owning a vehicle, you must also ensure that the wheels look cool and don’t breakdown every other day. And unless you’re on a police stakeout, toss the fast food boxes and packets, coffee cups and used condoms into the proper receptacles pronto.

Leaving dirty jocks and empty condom packets strewn around your home will make any prospect think that you’re just an untidy slob that gets lucky periodically. Rather leave unopened condoms in strategic places and jocks in the wash basket. Any other women’s underwear left lying around will not get you past first base either.

Going for broke is a studly thing to do. But when you sense some chemistry with a woman and you come at her with “would you like to have sex”, you’re most likely to get, “the look”, the pfffffttttt, the slap or the @#$% off. It takes time before you can “tango”…. Mostly!

There’s a reason why underwear has them and outerwear shouldn’t. Elastic topped pants scream to the world that you’re too lazy or fat to enlist or require the services of a belt.

Leaving droplets of pee on the toilet seat, the rim of the toilet bowl and the surrounding floor in a public restroom doesn’t automatically eliminate you from the ranks of guys who get laid. But when you do so in your own or their home, you simply don’t care anymore. Are you really going to expose a woman to that mess? Here’s a tip: you can wipe more than just your ass with toilet paper. Try it sometime.

Don’t use plastic eating utensils, paper plates and anything else that might be utilized to consume food at a picnic when entertaining at home. The sheer laziness of using this stuff under your own roof is beyond comprehension. You’re cutting off your @#$% before you even enter the starting gates.

If you do any of the above, you are consigning yourself to a life of celibacy, even if you look magnificent in your cheap imitation Stormers jersey.