Seeks Position as man’s/lady’s best friend
I am a 24 year old male slacker that needs a job where I can do nothing all day while being fed and housed at no charge. In return I will contract to do the following.
Although I am a man, I’m hiring myself out as a pet dog to any female who wants to own me. I truly believe I would make a great pet dog/lover, much better than your typical dog or lover. If you’re interested we’ll sign a one year contract, renegotiable at the end of the term. Basically, I’ll provide all the services of a pet dog and lover while you pay for all my food and housing, plus incidentals.
I am extremely good at slacking off, sitting around the house, barking at the odd noise that only I can hear, sleeping on the couch and scratching my rear end when it gets itchy, that kind of thing. Very much like any other dog. My lifelong passion and hobby is sleeping, and my qualifications in this field are impeccable. I am able to sleep anywhere at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I change rooms or chairs, and sometimes I even go to the front window to see what’s going on in the street. One of my favorite moments is the long drawn out yawn accompanied by a full body stretch, then collapse in a heap in the middle of the main thoroughfare, just so you know I’m there. At nights I like to stretch out full length on my bed which I will share with you if you lie still and don’t snore.
Education and history
2000-2001: lived at my parent’s. No job whatsoever and lounged around the house. Pooped and piddled everywhere. Never in the nappy provided. Passed, with distinction.
2001-2002: lived at my parent’s. Destroyed everything that could be chewed, lost many socks and buried many expensive running shoes in the garden. Still no job, watched TV mostly from the couch, sometimes the floor.
2002-2003: lived at my girlfriend’s. No job, lounged around in her backyard when she wasn’t there, only left when humans objected to our humping.
Basically my objective is to fulfill all the duties of a lover/dog. I promise to sit around the house all day doing nothing, catch naps, maybe, watch some TV. I will NOT do any work whatsoever, nor will I pick up the phone. I will deposit at least one poop on your lawn for you to pick up each day. When, you come back after work, I will give you plenty of affection, then, go back to my nap. If you speak to me about what happened at work I will gaze impassively at you, and you will believe I am listening. I will bark at and jump on any friends or relatives you bring over. I will even make wild passionate love to you at your request. Your job is to provide me with all the food I need to stay happy. It’s also up to you to keep the place clean so I can find plenty of areas to sit and nap. As a potential owner you must definitely have a TV with satellite. All medical/dental expenses, to be covered by you the employer.