When the children were younger they had a bad habit of scaring me with rubber spiders and lizards or anything else that was creepy or crawly. I am deathly afraid of spiders and other horrible crawlies so they got a real kick out of watching me scream like a girl when I came home from work to find one sitting on the desk where I normally stashed my briefcase, or in the liquor cabinet where I kept the booze. I would throw away the rubber spiders, lizards, snakes etc. every time it happened but they always seemed to find their way out of the rubbish and back into my life once again. Until I found out that my wife was in cahoots with them.
One day Des was in the laundry room doing the clothes and she saw what she thought was a rubber spider sitting on the window sill, so she grabbed it. To her surprise it wrapped itself around her fingers and all hell broke loose! She is screaming, freaking out and fighting with the friggin spider. She even managed to stand on the broom and break it before stamping on the dogs tail, he immediately started yelping, barking, growling and getting stood on again. My son was the first on the scene and she tells him to come get me. I run down the hall to see what’s going on and I see her with this humungous spider clinging to her hand and she is yelling for me to help.
I run straight out the back door, which was open, fortunately, or I would have run straight through it, and she is screaming at me “Where are you going?” I said “I’m going to get help.” She screams that if I take another step she will render me useless in the art of producing children.
What the hell am I going do? So I grab the baseball bat standing next to the door and start toward her which freaks her out even more. Seeing me approaching with the baseball bat held aloft and a glazed expression of near hysteria on my face, she starts running from me and I’m chasing her telling her to stop. She bolts out the front door screaming with me right behind her waving the bat.
Mother in law had just reached the front steps when she sees us barreling out of the house and you can imagine the terror in her eyes. Dessy is yelling “HELP ME” and I’m yelling “COME BACK HERE” waving the bloody bat in the air. The dog is so excited by the chase that he is doing his best to bite me while the kids are just screaming for the sake of screaming.
Mother in law joins in by slapping me continuously across the back of the head with a magazine while yelling murderous threats while Des gyrates and flings her arm this way and that trying to dislodge the frikkin thing. She finally got the spider off of her and when it hit the ground I mashed it into a gory mess while avoiding my mother in law’s slaps. I continued to mash the thing into the lawn until my heartbeat sorted itself out and my hysteria subsided.
After all had returned to normal and our neighbours from miles around had been assured that my wife was safe, we went inside.
Mother in law never apologised for whacking me around the head and I think she thoroughly enjoyed herself.
I mean, really!