A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker
in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere
together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their
apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Puzzled neighbour,
I take it that you have nothing better to do with your time than to spy on your neighbours and you eat your meals off a tray while you sit with your eye glued to the keyhole. The social worker could be a Lebanese but not the gym teacher. Woman are not allowed much freedom in Lebanon so I doubt that they do gym.
What are you, a frikkin blonde Peekingese?
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and
violence on my VCR?
Dear Disgusted viewer,
I seem to be inundated by questions from people in urgent need of a frontal lobotomy. Do these fowls say cluck, cluck, or cluuuuuuuuck, cluck, cluck, cluck, while they try to extricate themselves from the VCR because of the confined space? You should have the VCR checked by a technician because keeping chickens in such a small space is a criminal offense so be careful. Chicken sex and chickens without a single feather or nude chickens are positively pornographic. Sell your VCR to some pimp or chicken farmer and go to the nearest convent to enroll.
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m
not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
You must either be ugly, sexless, anorexic or overweight, or a combination of all four. It seems that you are just a tad confused. If you “had” this man he wouldn’t be cheating.
Run to the nearest window and before you jump out, look for the star that should be rising in the East you sound as if you’re due for an emasculate conception .
My boyfriend John sent me this lovely letter. He means he really loves me hey?
I’m terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this felt better than talking to you in person because I am a wuss like that.. This note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me, I’m done with you because I decided to be with your best friend, my bad.. Don’t let it get you all upset inside, It was completely your fault, no doubt about it. It is because of your extreme mental problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.
You’d be much better off finding a person that can deal with the annoying way you stuff your face all day long while watching TV on the bed. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you flirted with my father at our family Christmas dinner.
I’m glad this is done and we’re going separate directions for good. I think you’ll find someone to have an unhealthy relationship with, based on physical attraction. And hopefully we will be incredibly far away.
Have a nice life,
Madly in love
Dear Madly in love
There must be a gun shop somewhere near you. Go there immediately and buy a Colt 45 or bigger. Take your car and go to a deserted spot, then phone John from there. When he answers tell him where you keep all your money, then take the Colt 45 and try to swallow the barrel. When you start gagging pull the trigger as many times as you can. This will make John so happy that he will love you even more.
My boyfrend is jelas and doesnt want me to be on facebook he thinks am cheating pls help:)”
Dear Facebook flirt
Clearly the man suffers from a testosterone deficiency and is computer challenged. Sit him down and explain very slowly that statuses and back slash and forward slash are not code words for the sexy bits of the female anatomy. When someone likes your statuses they are not referring to boobs. Updating your status does not mean a boob job. You need to stroke his “ego” very gently. This releases hormones which are essential in the growth of nads. Decent sized nads release more testosterone which relieves pressure on the whimp reflex. To put it more simply tell him to grow a pair.